Friday, December 19, 2008

Fact or Fiction? - Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

 FTD Storm

Fact: Babies are born without logical thought.  In some, this doesn't appear until the human reaches retirement age.

Today, I encountered one of these unfortunate beings.


I work in a call center... supporting computers and hating stupid people.  One of the applications I support keeps track of orders taken from other companies (our competitors) that provide the same service that we do.  Details aren't important... just understand that this application helps the middle man (our customer) keep track of all incoming and outgoing orders.



Call of the day:

caller says something to the effect of the following:

I sent 3 orders… Louis, Larry, Chad. Those are  the names.


Louis went to My Company

Larry went to Competitor

Chad went to Competitor

We phoned all of them out. I put them into the system and marked them phoned. So I don’t understand why Louis is marked with My Company and Larry and Chad are marked Competitor

Shouldn’t they all be the same thing?

My voice says “Phoned out isn’t a wire service… they’re going to be different because you used different services. They’re all marked phoned, with this check box right here” I move my mouse and point to show member.

That doesn’t make any sense. Shouldn’t they still all be Competitor out?

The headset resonates “When you called the other florist, and gave them the order… did you 2 discuss payment via Competitor or My Company?”

Louis was Your Company… and the other 2 were Competitor.

“Ok then…" (Why are you calling?)

So why is Louis marked as Your Company?

“Because, you called, them… and will, be paying them… by way of My Company…...?" (Seriously?)

That doesn’t make any sense. Why are the other 2 marked Competitor then?

“You’re paying them via Competitor, are you not?”

No, I am.

“Ok… so to keep track of that… would you mark them Competitor Two?”

No, I’m not an idiot.  I’d mark them Competitor.

“Ok… so if you’d mark them Competitor… and they’re marked Competitor… why do you think they’re marked Competitor?”

I’m not sure

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Have you ever pissed in public?

Current mood:  amused

So we've all been in public, at least once... and had to take a piss, or shit, or do something to that effect. Some how, through some people's upbringing, the common unspoken rules of Pissing in Public bypassed they're brains.... and are rude... out right disturbing even.

DisplayPooNow I write this directed towards the men.... mostly. That's pretty much because I don't frequent the ladies room, so I don't know what kind of gross things happen over there on the other side of the wall, and some days... it's better that way.
But believe me, I know people... I've got insider agents that tell me how disgusting some of you women lurk!

For instance... for the men..... You walk into a bathroom with 2 stalls, and 3 urinals.... No one is in there... which urinal do you choose?
If you choose left or right.... you seem to know what you're doing. You know to put a urinal buffer between you and anyone who may walk in to take a piss after you.You can piss in public without making people feel like you're going to peek at their penis.
On the other hand... some men might say middle because it's the most comfortable or whatever they blame... who cares what the reason, 'cause when I walk in after you, and you've got your dick out... and you're makin' a river..... it's too late for me, I've got no where else to go without you lookin' at my junk, unless I dip into the stall.
Then I think, that you think, I'm insecure and have to piss in the stall to hide my size.
WRONG. I just don't want you lookin' at my cock.

1) Here's the Rule: More than 2 stalls... leave 1 between you and any *POSSIBLE* person to walk in. If some one's already in the middle... push them softly, center back, as if they were pissing in the woods, and jog out, act inconspicuous until they leave... then return for a proper piss.

Next up... Who all has been in a public bathroom and someone else is in there too... Midstream... this person knows what they're doin'... they're against the wall urinal.. leaving a buffer and then there's your urinal against the other corner.... no biggy right.
So you're feelin' ok, you whip it out and begin draining your log... and the dude says " `sup man?" Alright, who's been there? hands, anyone?
Yeah, don't be that guy.

I'm standing here, holding my cock.... and you wanna talk about the fuckin' weather? Get the hell outta here! I didn't come in here to talk to you about your shirt, or suggest you get high lights in your hair and explain that your shoes don't match your belt because it's after fuckin' labor day.

2) Here's the rule: DON'T TALK TO PEOPLE IN THE BATHROOM!! If you know the person your with, and you're settin' up a girl for your boy and you need to discuss tactics... don't do it while either of you are pissing, wait until he's done.
If you don't know the guy, don't say anything to the guy. Not once you've both passed that bathroom threshold... don't even nod. The ONLY exception is Rule 3.

Ever go to an Asian place for dinner, or maybe that taco shop that everyone warns about but goes there anyways.... and then go to the club/bar afterwards?
Here's the thing about takin' a shit in a club setting. First off... courtesy mother fuckin' flush. You drop a dumpling, flush... you drop a 13inch by 4incher... flush. Get that stink out, because otherwise you wreak, and so does your clothes... chicks do smell that, even if they're nice about it.
Next thing about it is watch for crabs. I know it's just a rumor and Myth Busters and whomever else has proved the theory wrong that you can get crabs off a toilet seat. But think about it gentlemen...... how many male whores sat where your ass is placed when you're cheek to porcelain... and how many more std's can men contract without symptoms? I won't get too detailed.
Plus, think of the people that work there...... do you really think they clean that shitter all that well?  ------------- If you worked there, would you?
So you have a couple of options... you can hover over the toilet... but really... that's only practical in a port-a-john situation. Option B, grab some shit tickets (Toilet Paper) and place it on the seat. Don't forget the back edge too. Now you have a physical barrier between you and someone else's mistimed poo.

3) Not really a rule for this one... unless you were in a HELL of a hurry, and had to ask the guy in the stall next to you for some shit tickets... this is the ONLY time you should talk to someone else in the men's bathroom.

Ladies, your turn.... There's been reports of people going to the bathroom, and coming back in groups.... I understand... it's a little weird for men to get it, but there's been survey after survey to find out why.
Most common answers: They don't want to be raped, they're bored when alone in the bathroom, and simply put... the female gender are instinctively, the group type, while males are more independent.
What I figure is that you go to the bathroom in groups for a few different reasons.... mostly, (at least at the early 20 something ages and younger) it has to do with the guys. Either there's a creepy guy asking you to dance, to buy you a drink, or your favorite color of ice cream... whatever the case may be, that's what your wing woman is for... to save you. "Hey! I have to go pee!" your natural reply is "Me TOO! Be right back.." with a smile because you know this is your chance to escape.
I believe another reason is so that you can decide what part of the club/bar to go after getting the current guy's number.... that way no one looks lost or more drunk than you actually are.
Last one, because you women (most that I've encountered, not all) have bladders the size of oysters... I swear! So you all do have to pee, or just because someone mentions pee... you now really do have to pee as well.
Women are women... whatever.

Rule 4) Women, whatever.

If it's your time of the month.... be polite about it!!!
People, people people, people.... seriously. If you don't wear a pad, then know what to do with the tampon when you're done with it. For instance... Don't put it in the god damned toilet! TRASH CAN! Further more, don't put the wrapper, plastic shell of the new tampon, and the old tampon in the toilet.... DISGUSTING!!! Try the TRASH CAN ON FOR SIZE!!!
Believe me, people know when you're the last one out of the bathroom and they walk in, and just happen to use the same toilet.... Then they tell their friends.
Seriously ladies..... that's gross.

Rule 5) Don't put your tampons (or pads) in the toilet! Sicko... give kids cancer doin' shit like that.

Men.... remember rule 1-3... 4 too if you're wise.

Women... Pay attention to rule 5, jesus.